loop

hey how do you do?

im still in the same phase of my life. still depending on my sad songs to get through the day. how was your life currently? does anything get better? well congrats if things may be better than before. its been years since the last update. so many things happen and actually worsens me inside. did i tell you guys abt my mother is currently sick? yes, diabetics. its been a year now since the last operation of getting rid of the area affected by the bacteria on her leg. a year before was even worse. everyday went to the ozone therapy to threat the leg, home cook meals as diabetics cant just eat anything, home chores, episodes of her mood swings, her depression too, giving up, not wanting to eat at all, and so many other things you cant possibly imagine. ive been taking care of her for more than a year now and things not really easy. i know i have to be strong for her to be strong too. and im actually come to the point where i am really tired and going to give up. i hated the routine, i hated the burden, i hated the responsibility, i hate that im in charge, i hate that people depending on me. im not strong enough. im worn out too.

only in my mind

hey, im back again

its been years since the last post. college life is exhausting. everyday facing the same shit and stuffs, nothing much interesting. and yknow what, i only left less than a year to end my college studies!! i just cant wait to get out of this place. a place where i hate the smell, i hate the environment, i hate the people too. have to deal with their attitude and egos. im tired of sucking everything up and pile it inside. yknow like everyday you need to pretend and just act like everything is okay. but nvm, im leaving anw. how things are lately? haha well as you can see i am still alive tho. all those suicide thoughts were still inside me but yeah ive been doing great to survive until now.

alright the question and thoughts about today is, how can i handle people around me? there are way too many people that always wanted to win over an argument, alk too much but calling herself introvert, dealing with people doesnt have any common sense and just many others. im tired tho to prevent that i am universal and just fine with everything. everyday, ive been keeping inside me like when i get annoyed, or when i get mad, i just simply shut myself up and get out from there. i am like, ive been doing this since forever then i just realize that i just could not do this anymore. i just couldnt hold and keep this anymore. at all.but yeah, everythings happen only in my mind.

old star

don't you just want to end everything? because, i just can't handle it anymore. i can't handle myself anymore. i hate myself too much that i literally wanted to kill myself now.. the voices keep on telling me i am such a burden, i am such an embarrassment, i hurt the people that i love. i should have taken care of them, i should have control myself, i should have not hurt them while i am hurting, i didn't realize how exhausting it is to take care of me, i didn't realize how painful it was trying to take care of me, i didn't realize you sacrifice a lot for me. i didn't realize i was such a pain in the ass. 

i hate myself too, i really do. i hate my own personality, i hate the way i think, i hate the way i talk, all words coming out from my mouth, my mind, my heart. i am such a toxic person. i'm so sorry for everything that happen. i don't know what to do now.. i really don't deserve anyone.

.

can i just give up now?

i really wish

idk why i am super sensitive, dramatic and over reacting. idk, is it because i was born with this heart? i hate myself. i hate the fact that i am like this. i've tried to move on, to act like nothing happen but i cant. i cant keep on pretending like this. i hate the fact that my friends left me out, i hate that i have to care, idk whats wrong with me.. i hate that when i'm hurting like this, no one cares, no one even notice. i hate that. i know its not a big deal but am i really not that worth it? 

maybe i am not worth it. 

thoughts

the thing is, i would always think about suicide. but not that serious tho. i just always think about it like why am i even here, what is the purpose of my life, what am i thinking, why am i thinking like this, and i know i should not be thinking about these and it leads me to suicidal. but still, i swear i wont do it. it is only because my religion forbid it and it would cause me a very great sin. just saying, if i am a person with no religion, it would done it already. i know why it was forbidden, of course i believe in my religion but you know sometimes, i have this kind of season where i just dont care about anything. it is so wrong but ya. sometimes, i feel like the world is against me, nothing is right, im all alone, no one gets me, no one know it felt. 

i dont even understand myself, i dont know what i want, what i need, should i say this, should i just keep it in or just should i just die? i mean like, you guys wont even understand what im saying right now tho. i am so bad in expressing myself, i literally dont know how to describe my feelings right now. you may think i am depressed but i just cant find the problem why am i feeling so depressed or down or this suicidal mood shit. then, should i really say that im depressed? no. maybe yall also think, maybe shes on her period stuff kinda shit. you think i am having my fucking period throughout the year?

its not like anyones fault tho. nothing triggered me, it just come at the moment and happens. sometimes, i really just feeling depressed without any reasons, everyday my heart keep hurting, i just wish this feelings would go away. i feel so stupid for being depressed with no reasons. or just maybe i am having a mental problem.

and right now i dont know what i am saying. ignore me please. have a nice day, bye