well hello there x
its been a very long time since the time i've updated this blog. yeah, i'm here naw. currently, its 6 am. and yes, i haven't sleep yet. its freakin holiday so fuck my sleeping schedule okay. since i don't have any productive activities to do today, so.. i guess i can sleep a little bit late today. nah, not just today. everyday i will say the same thing. yeah, whatever right. i'm listening to my current favourite song. and yeah, a korean song, sorry to say btw. so back to the real topic of today's post.
am i worth it?
to tell you about myself, i am girl but with boy's attitude. i hate chocolates, but not all. i don't wear women's perfume as i prefer men's, but i said i prefer doesn't mean i didn't wear women's at all. i talk like shit, like i am right naw. i don't really know or really cared about how i look. sttp, i am not any men's dream girl. yep, nuff said. i am not pretty like other girls.. i am not skinny or have a perfect body like what men interested to. just, if i do am a man's girl, do i really worth it?
tbh, i am afraid.. okay lets say that a have boyfriend which i didn't, just pretend. he loves me, i love him. then, once he get to know me, the real me who actually a simple and nothing special girl, who actually didn't attractive at all in any aspect that can be listed. will he leave me? did his love for me just gonna fade away? what if.. no one can ever accept me for who i am?
i have someone in my mind right naw and yes, i admit i do have feelings towards him. well, let it be a secret for who he is okay? i can say that i am kinda close to him. but yeah, i just keep it to myself. well, about his ex.. i know he'd already broke off with that girl but ya know, it still hurts when he talks about that girl.. actually this worth thingy was actually inspired by this one simple sentence. "she'd always give me some chocolates every week." yeap, i can actually say the real, actual sentence he used. lol me. it was a simple thing i guess. jealousy maybe? but heck, he wasn't even mine tho.. then after that freakin thing, i've actually thought about myself. i don't like chocolatessssss. and everyone must be real weird with people who didn't eat chocolates. right? i am not lying. people do. see how complicated i am, just from a simple sentence, i can actually relate it these topic of this post... oh god. i think i really should change myself or worst awaits.
and yeah, one more thing. i have a problem with this jealousy thingy.. yeap, it does hurts. it is okay for me to think about him but yeah, it is not when i think about him... with her. yeaaaaa, tell me why i didn't jealous as that girl was pretty, and cute... for me. i think. she's cute, she really knows how to make boys to fall in love with her. yeap. she's skinny.. she's an athlete which i really do, dream being of. tbh, she got everything it takes. ya, so tell me how i didn't f- jealous? okay another girl, she's hot tbh. i mean like, she's so pretty. tall, beautiful eyes.. and she is his crush. to be compared with me.. wait, me?! i'm not even qualified at the first round one weh. just, it hurts for being me. yeah, me. how i really wish to be flawless, pretty and tall for sure. not to forget, a nice body. people may say that these things aren't important but open up your eyes people! everyone do judge people by looks. people really do. that "don't judge a book by its cover" term was never even use by anyone..
why? why i must be in love with someone who doesn't even my own kind? he's too handsome, too hot to handle. like yeah, everyone likes him in school. and do i even qualified for him? like yeah, i am just a nerd, old fashioned girl in school. sometimes, i really feel like, i nobody's.. i am not worth for anyone. no one even want me. its normal right for me to think about love, relationship thingy as i am growing up right now. i can't even describe what i really feel right naw. i feel like, i just don't belong here.. oh damn, my tears are filling up my eyes. things are quiet blurry.. sorry for a such emo post today. i am doubting myself. again. huh, i'm tired to be f- insecure like every freakin dayyyyyyy. at the end of the day, i ended up like right naw, cry, cry and cry. no one seems to know that.. well, as i keep it to myself. not to forget, family and friends were always there.. always. whenever i'm feeling so miserable, they are the one who were always care and be there to cheer me up. well, family and friends were always be the first priority. so yeah, enough for today. really sorry for today's post as it wasn't as fun as happy as usual. i need my emo moments too. thanks for lending me your ears. x
and being a girl surely does hard as we have a really, really complicated and fragile heart. we just already used to it..