well hello x
okay for today, i would really, really like to post something about myself. wait, it is not me, boosting myself. it is just about.. well, me. i keep questioning myself. yeah, how bad i was. how a bad children of my parents, how a bad friend i am, and yeah. how bad i am as a servant of god. just, lend me your ears for today. x
alright, how do i start. okay, all these question started at my twitter. as i was scrolling and scrolling the timeline, many, way too many tweets that make me even more doubt about myself. first, do you guys know about, err Lyana Evans? okay maybe not all of you knew this but, sorry to say. i don't know the real truth but, people said that she was actually posting up things about her father. yeah, post about how much she hates her father. but wait. we didn't know the truth right? so, i'm just gonna say that, am i a good child for my parents? i can't lie that i never felt so angry or mad or sad or anything negative towards my parents. hey, everyone did right? maybe, sometimes, i can't control myself. maybe, i do once or twice or more had made them sad and really, disappointed in me. who knows? and.. these things keep making me feel so guilty.. so, frustrated in myself. duh, i can cry right now just to think about that. and yeah, just to think about that too, i barely go out of my room, i can't even bare to watch their faces, man. seriously. frustrated, mad, sad and disappointed in myself. i am not the "good" type of girl. no, it is not my parents fault. it is not about how they raised me, no. it is about myself. well, a normal teen i guess. but, no. i shouldn't be like this. i know, my parents really do, raised a really good and nice children. and i should be like that. and i, really should change myself. it just, many things that my parents didn't even know about me. see? look. look how bad i am. it just.. sorry. sorry for everything.
secondly, yeah in my timeline too, i've read about.. friends backstabbing, mocking themselves. at first, i was like, duh. you and your friend kot. why on earth you guys were like that? it was at first.. but then, yeah stupid bad histories came and haunt me back. fuh. but, i wasn't that bad, for me. i think so. as you guys aware, i am now, schooling in a boarding in muar. known as samura. yep, my sweet yet, horrible home. and for sure, it was hard for me, to go home every week. and yeah, when i really get the chance to go home, i rarely contact my friends here, in my hometown. see? bad me! they think about me, while me? hm. i am just a bad friend, did i? i never realize, they are the one who was with me. who was with me, when i was crying to know that i've been accepted in samura. who was the one who always, hear my problems, always be there when i needed the most? them for sure. and i, just.. just simply treat them like that. wtf, how stupid i was back then. sometimes, i do feel sad about this school thingy. tell me how i wasn't that mad, when we all did apply to the same school, and now ended up, only me. i repeat, only me was qualified to go. tell me, how i wasn't gonna be mad.. frustrated weh. and it isn't that i can simply reject that. my parents really really loved to watch me go. huh. but for god's sake, it wasn't their fault anyway. it's destiny. how can i change that right? and what i'm gonna say is, i'm just really sorry for what i've did. all those ignorant, arrogant way i did. huh, feel like crying now.
the third one, i just.. i can't talk about it. too many, way too many sins i've done. fullstop.
so, that's it. too long huh? not really. i could write longer post than this! but, yeah. time really do fast and i haven't even take a bath yet. oh my. alright. thanks for lending me your ears. had a nice, beautiful night. x